if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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