when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
