Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
