I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
