just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
