Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
