I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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