I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
