Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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