the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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