Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
