How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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