How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
