Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
