One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
