I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
