i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The feeling are messing with the penis
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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