i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
