Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
