My nipple is on Facebook.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
