After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
