You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
