Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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