My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
