Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
