I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
