Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
