I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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