that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There's always time for handjobs
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize