i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
