The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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