So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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