i think i have two assholes
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
