dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
