So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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