She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
