i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Sober January is a disaster.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
