If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
