He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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