hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
