Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just gargled with NyQuil
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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