Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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