please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.