How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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