If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
