Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
