I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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