the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
