I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
