Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
