For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
