Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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